How Muhammad came to be
"You feel the pain strongly now because you do not know yet what is His Divine Plan."
Dear Zahraa my love,
You are such a light in our lives. So full of sass and ready to go the moment you open your eyes. You're loyal and fiercely protective. You know what you want and you're not afraid to express it. But you are also sensitive and feel your emotions strongly. It's hard to imagine that not too long ago - the thought of you in our lives seemed impossible. Mama faced so many diagnoses at one go; blocked tubes, adenomyosis, sub-fertility. Fast forward to February 2022, Alhamdulillah Allah blessed you into our lives.
I want you to know that I was and am so content and so grateful for the honour to be your mother. I am humbled by the trust given to me and your father from Allah سبحانه وتعالى to be your chosen parents.
Zahraa, I never thought to ask for another child. But sometimes people would ask - is one enough? Am I planning for another? I thought to myself - you were and are enough for me and Baba truly. How could one ask for more when some don't even have any?
Recently a close friend had lost her parent - I thought of how you might be lonely in your grief if Mama and Baba were no longer here. And the thought of that made me sad. Siblings are the only ones who you can reminisce together about your childhood and growing up together as a family. They will know the joyful moments and unsaid jokes, and the pain of loss without having the need to explain.
But still I did not desperately ask for another child. Not because we did not want another. But it wasn't our place to ask for more when we already had so much. Instead I made du'a to Allah to grant us the best outcomes for our family. Oh Allah, do not leave me to my decisions for even a blink of an eye. Oh Allah, correct all my affairs for me. رَبِّ إِنِّى لِمَآ أَنزَلْتَ إِلَىَّ مِنْ خَيْرٍۢ فَقِيرٌۭ ."My Lord! Truly, I am in need of whatever good that You bestow on me!"
We humans are faqeer - weak, poor, devoid of strength and power. We are in need of everything that Allah has given and will give to us, whether good or 'bad'.
Even though we had conceived you naturally with Allah's Will - nothing is guaranteed. I started to keep track of my monthly cycles again and when the time was right, we decided to just try. I wished I could say that I did not care about the outcome at all, but I am only a weak human - and seeds of hope started to plant and that familiar anxiety began to creep in. I would catch myself and remind myself - tawakkul 'alaa Allah. To put my complete trust in Allah and to be content with whatever His Decree.
And that was how you Muhammad, my gentle warrior came to be. My surprise child after my rainbow child. You were so 'miraculously effortless'. Mama is always amazed at how you came to be. I can't wait to see what your personality would be like. You were quite the shy baby in Mama's womb, always hiding your face from the probe.
Nothing is easy, except that which Allah makes it easy. Allah only needs to command 'Be!" and it will be. And nothing is difficult, except that which Allah makes it difficult.
Looking back I realised Allah wanted Baba and Mama to be closer to Him first before becoming parents. To solidify the nature of our relationship with Allah. To rely only on Him. To ask only from Him. The challenges we faced before Zahraa were actually blessings for us. It was moulding us to be better parents for both of you insyaAllah.
My loves Zahraa and Muhammad - Mama will keep repeating this because it is important - Allah loves you so very much. I was floored once again by Allah's love when Mama conceived you Muhammad. Mama found myself crying on the toilet bowl looking at the pregnancy test stick. How could it be again? It was like Allah swt saying to me - you asked Me for the best outcomes? Here is My Decree for you.
Reflect on this my loves - Allah's Decree for Mama and both of you were written when Mama was still in my mother's womb. Mama and Baba made du'a for you to be in our lives forty years later without knowing that Allah had already answered our du'as when Mama was only 120 days old, an unborn fetus in the womb. Mind-blowing right? Can you feel how much Allah loves you both and Mama and Baba?
Put your full trust in Allah and it will set you free. Never be shy to ask Allah for every single thing and anything - nothing is too small or menial or unimportant for Allah.
We all have so many needs, desires and aspirations to the point that we are sometimes at a loss of words. Especially mothers - we want so much good for our children, then when we raise our hands to ask, no words can form. It is times like this that I ask Allah - if it is good for me and my family and our deen (religion), guide us to it and make us at ease with the decisions. If it is bad for me and my family and my deen (religion), guide us away from it, make us uneasy with and protect us from it.
If your du'a is answered by hardship or something bad and unexpected - trust that this is the best for you. Our 'understanding' of why things are - is so very little. Our 'wisdom' - only what Allah chooses to impart to us. You feel the pain strongly now because you do not know yet what is His Divine Plan.
A man said to Dhul-Nun: "Pray for me."
He replied, "If you were strengthened by knowledge of the Unseen through sincerely affirming the Unity, how many of your prayers would have been preceded by their answers."
I believe this is a quote from a well-known saint. I was fortunate to learn from one of my teachers during the subject of Tasawwuf of what it means. He was trying to illustrate that our du'as have already been answered even before the words has left our very lips. Perhaps the du'a has already been answered in the realm of the Unseen - the realm that is not known to us. But if we have firm conviction and faith in Allah, and understand who Allah truly is - of His might and power, of His love and gentleness - we would realise our du'as have already been granted. It is just we cannot see it and have no knowledge of it yet.
I pray to Allah for His guidance and protection for both of you in these very troubled and corrupted times. Horrific and unimaginable things are occurring in the world right now. It makes me worry how do I raise you both to be resilient and proud Muslims. But Allah has decreed that both of you be born during these times. However both of you are also very blessed to belong to the Ummah of Rasulullah ﷺ unlike the nations before. And as long as you follow the Prophetic way, I believe you will be rightly-guided insyaAllah.
Muhammad you were born in the blessed month of Rabi'ul awwal the month that our Prophet Muhammad ﷺ saw was born. We named you after Allah's Most Beloved in honour of the month you were born in. And Zahraa we named you in honour of his daughter Fatimah Az-Zahraa r.a., who was the most beloved of women to Rasulullah ﷺ.
I hope when you read this in the future insyaAllah - you would have by then experienced the love that Allah and His Messenger ﷺ has for you over and over and over again. Let the love engulf you and keep you warm when Mama's hugs and kisses no longer can. Allah's love is a guiding light that can never be extinguished when you are down and lost.
Your loving mama, always.
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