Who loves you the most?

"The Most Loving God and the Most Gentle God had ordained this, so how could it ever be bad for you? "

God's Reminders

It is said that nothing can compare to a mother's love for her own child. But no human love can be compared to the Love of Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَتَعَالَىٰ for His creation. And this Truth should comfort you in the days you feel broken, alone and feel like giving up.

No matter how challenging life gets, remember that nothing or no one can love you the way Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَتَعَالَىٰ   Loves His creation. His Love for you will always be infinitely more than that of a mother for her own child.

For as long as I can remember,  Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَتَعَالَىٰ has been teaching and guiding me throughout my life with many challenges, Alhamdulillah. The level of difficulties would increase spiritually and mentally as I grew older and keep challenging my conviction each time. 

I would ask God why me? Why did I fall during my race when I was in the lead just 10 metres away from the finishing line? Why did I not get into the school of my choice? Why did my sister become mentally ill? Why did I not get into the medical school here despite scoring well?  Why did my younger brother suddenly pass away? Why did my relationship break up when we were already planning for marriage? Why did I fail my PACES exam? Why were my tubes blocked? Why did I keep miscarrying?

Every single time when things did not go to plan - Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَتَعَالَىٰ  was reminding me of who was the True Planner. He was constantly reminding me to turn to Him for everything. This is the true nature of our relationship with Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَتَعَالَىٰ.. We are weak and we are utterly dependent on Him for every single outcome.

Life is a perpetual story of Mankind being constantly reminded by God of who we are in relation to Him. The Quran is full of these reminders because He loves us and wants us to return to Him in the right state of belief. 

My IVF journey 

The start of my IVF journey started with finding out that both my fallopian tubes were blocked. I had been suffering severe pelvic pains for several months and scans showed that I had adenomyosis, a condition where the uterine wall had become thickened and asymmetrical. This led to further fertility tests which discovered that the tubes were blocked making it near impossible for the sperm and egg to meet for fertilisation. 

I went through three IVF cycles. The medical details are not relevant, but suffice to say between the daily injections, running over to the IVF clinic during work to have pelvic scans to monitor for egg development - each cycle became an incremental build-up of stress and anxiety. 

Alhamdulillah I became pregnant each time the embryos were implanted. I knew of women who went through many cycles and didn't get any suitable embryos or did not get pregnant after implantation.  I could not imagine how that would feel like after going through so much. May Allah grant them strength. But I did not stay pregnant for long and suffered miscarriages each time. Each loss was devastating. This prompted more blood tests and procedures to check for rare disorders, uterine infections and genetic mutations. All of these did not reveal anything remarkable.

By this stage I had already gone through many self-reproaching conversations - what did I do to cause the miscarriages? Indeed it is common for women to blame themselves when things go wrong in pregnancy. This is sometimes made worse by well-meaning family members and friends who would theorise why the miscarriage happened; diet, stress, physical exertion, coffee, that warm bath, that swim you had. 

Recommendations came from friends and colleagues to try private IVF clinics. We ended up seeing three private specialists for a second opinion. The first specialist we saw exuded confidence. He was very optimistic and remarked that because I had become pregnant with each cycle, it was just a matter of time that we would get a viable pregnancy that lasted. He said it as a 'matter-of-fact' confidently. I felt heartened after meeting him. The second specialist barely looked at my history. She listed off-label treatments including fancy lipid infusions. The consultation was over in ten minutes. There was barely any warmth and I felt like another statistic in her IVF book. 

The last one was a senior IVF specialist. He had white hair, was gentle and soft-spoken with an amazing bedside manner. He came out of his office to call us in and invited my husband to sit on a special seat with a bamboo cover which was supposed to be good for sperm health. He passed a written instruction to my husband on tips how to improve sperm vitality. He then turned to me and gave me a very sombre look and said, "I am so sorry for what you have gone through. Three miscarriages is very tough." 

He was the first IVF specialist to acknowledge my loss and reminded me regarding the importance of having empathy. It only takes a few moments to pause and reflect to consider what the other person may be going through. We often forget to show empathy and kindness to others. 

He opined that due to the adenomyosis - my uterus was enlarged which made it 'írritable' making it difficult to maintain the growing fetal sac. He suggested that I freeze some embryos first and then undergo hormonal treatment to shrink my uterus. This would mean going into 'temporary menopause' for three to six months. After which at the next embryo implantation, he advised to take muscle relaxants to reduce spontaneous uterine contractions to reduce the risk of miscarriage. He did not charge me anything for his consultation and even wrote down his suggestions down and persuaded me to bring these recommendations back to my current IVF specialist. He wanted me to save money as I was still able to benefit from government subsidies. The consult left me hopeful and I resolved to give IVF treatment another shot. But this time I started to prepare to take a long sabbatical from work as I was already suffering burnt-out and I wanted to give myself the best chance of succeeding. 

Of Precious Ramadhan 

Ramadhan of 2021 soon came and both of us took leave for the last ten days of Ramadhan. It was my most memorable and meaningful Ramadhan. Usually I would take leave only after Eid to enjoy the festivities of visiting and eating. But all these losses made me realise I had my priorities wrong all this time. 

How did I pass up the chance all these years of the last ten nights of which one night could be Lailatul Qadr? We were in the second year of the COVID pandemic and it had taught me to treasure simple things that we often take for granted. Like the ability to sit in the mosque, the chance to perform congregational tarawih prayers at the mosque, the opportunity to travel for Umrah on whim and so much more. These blessings had been taken away during the pandemic and we did not realise the blessings that Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَتَعَالَىٰ had already given to us,  without us even asking. 

My  mother-in-law too had become bedbound from end-stage multiple myeloma and we knew she did not have much time left. I encouraged my husband to go over every night to lead the tarawih prayers with her as I could see it was something that she very much wanted to do. I would join them on days I could not book a place at the mosque. Some nights I could hear her whimpering in pain in the hospital bed during our tarawih prayers.  But she would have tears of joy at the end of prayers, so happy that she could perform yet another tarawih prayer. I would sing the qasidah Qad Kafani between the tarawih prayers, not caring that the emotion could be heard. My mother-in-law knew about our struggles. I could see the understanding in her eyes and I knew she was making du'as for us all the time. 

Thankfully that year, the mosques had also re-opened for qiyaam prayer slots and we managed to book slots for most mornings. I did not think I would be capable of waking up at 3 am in the morning to make it for qiyaam prayers, but we did so every morning that year Alhamdulillah, knowing that we did not have to go to work the next morning. Using up my annual leave for this made perfect sense now in retrospect. Ramadhan only comes once a year and the last ten nights were precious. Who is to say we would meet Ramadhan again? It was so peaceful in the early hours of the mornings as we made our way to the mosque on the quiet roads. The air was cool and the Angels seem to have descended. I had never experienced the sweetness of Qiyaam prayer like that. People were more subdued in the mosques as everyone was caught up in their own self-reflections and du'as. 

It is said that the month of Ramadhan is for the Ummah. Indeed this is one of the greatest Mercy from Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَتَعَالَىٰ. 

My mother-in-law passed away three months later peacefully at home with all of us surrounding her. She was a kind and thoughtful mother, grandmother, wife, daughter and sister. I was very fortunate to have known her and have her as my mother-in-law. She would have loved you very much. 

Letting It Go 

Ramadhan of 2021 reminded me of my Hajj in 2017 of a particular du'a that I had made. For so long, I had asked Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَتَعَالَىٰ to bless me with a life partner. I was 34 and I had come to slowly accept that maybe marriage is not what Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَتَعَالَىٰ intended for me and He had better plans. So I asked Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَتَعَالَىٰ  sincerely to bless me with something better and help me find acceptance in His Decree. It did not mean that I did not want to find a life partner anymore, but I had come to accept that maybe this is Allah's will for me.  

Two weeks later - I met my soon husband-to-be in the sacred grounds of Mecca. 

I learnt a very important spiritual lesson then - it is not what we ask, but how we ask. Who are we but Allah's creation? We don't really know what is best or right for us. Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَتَعَالَىٰ knows, and we need to trust that He will always give the best to us. 

I had forgotten this important spiritual lesson in my obsessive bid to become a mother.  I kept putting my faith in treatments and doctors and blaming myself when things didn't go to plan. Each time I miscarried, my mental health took a toll. Every single time I could ask, I asked Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَتَعَالَىٰ for a child. But all the signs were indicating to me then that this was not what Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَتَعَالَىٰ had decreed for me. It was hard for me to accept this and it filled me with great sadness. 

But all these setbacks - they were actually Allah's love letters to me.  Indeed in the Quran, Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَتَعَالَىٰ says that Mankind is forgetful and hasty by nature. He was reminding me again. He is my Creator and knows what is best for me. So I let go and I asked Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَتَعَالَىٰ  again - if I was not meant to become a mother -  to replace this need with something better. Help me find acceptance in His Decree and help me move on.

Relying solely on Allah

Four weeks after Ramadhan,  I started to spot on Day 28 of my cycle. It was expected, heralding my regular monthly periods. But the spotting stopped after a day and two days went by with no further bleeding which was odd for me. The appointment to plan my next IVF cycle was the next day. I delayed getting a urine pregnancy test as I did not want to feel disappointed by a negative result. Finally I caved in and took out the last pregnancy test from my drawer. 

I sat on the toilet bowl and passed urine on the stick. Immediately, the blue horizontal line which was the control line appeared, but this was immediately crossed by a vertical test line marking a blue cross -  signaling the impossible. I stared at the result incredulously and began to sob, still sitting on the toilet bowl. I felt showers of warmth and love go through me as tears rolled down. Allah  loves me. Allah loves me. Allah loves me. 

I was pregnant. For the first time I was pregnant naturally. Without IVF treatment.

For all the blocked fallopian tubes, thickened uterine walls, multiple miscarriages and second opinions - none of these human interventions would have worked without Allah's will. He was reminding me again. The heart knew this lesson but this cognitive mindset was the one that needed constant reinforcement.  Rely only on Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَتَعَالَىٰ. Ask for help only for from Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَتَعَالَىٰ. Yes, we have to take the necessary means - the human efforts. But do not put your faith and conviction in your own efforts or people or treatments. Put your faith in Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَتَعَالَىٰ and trust in His Timing and Decree.  

For all the mothers who have lost and miscarried and had still-borns. It is not your fault. It is not that you worked too hard or was too stressed or that extra cup of coffee you drank or the fancy facial creams you used that affected the pregnancy. Why would you blame yourself when the outcome of your efforts does not come from your efforts but comes from the Will of God?  Why would you blame yourself for something that God had ordained for you? It is not in your power or control. All of these outcomes had been pre-determined as early as 120 days old in the womb. The Most Loving God, the Most Gentle God had ordained this for you, so how could it ever be bad for you? 

Al-Wadud - The Most Loving

The point of this story is actually not about fertility. It is about crystallizing the nature of who we are in relation to our Creator - Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَتَعَالَىٰ.   He is constantly reminding us, and we are so in need of His reminders all the time. Every setback and challenge you face - He is reminding you of His Love. He keeps reminding us as a mother would to a child. Each reminder is actually a sign of love from Him. And we should constantly remind the people we love of Allah's Love for them. And for those who are distant from Allah's Love - we should pray for them so that they may come to know of Allah's Love; that it has always been there and has never left them. The door of forgiveness is always open until their last breath. 

Today we are officially at 39 weeks. Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah all praises and thanks are due to Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَتَعَالَىٰ alone. Every single week your heart continues to beat, every single time I feel you moving in me  - it is a miracle from Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَتَعَالَىٰ. You are His love for me. 

I keep thinking what would be one life lesson I would want to impart to you if I did not have much time left on this earth anymore? It would be this:

Yes, your father and I love you so very much. So, so very much. But always, always remember - Allah's Love is More and Infinite. He will always be with you when we are not around. In order to love Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَتَعَالَىٰ, you need to know Him first. And you can learn this by knowing and loving his greatest creation - our blessed Master Rasulullah ﷺ.

My child, you were born of faith and love. I can't wait to meet you insyaAllah.

Your mother.